After years of criticism from Nintendo fans, EA announced today that it would bring all its future releases to the Nintendo Switch, even if it caused the company to go bankrupt.
“You know, we saw that about 1% of our total FIFA 18 sales were on the Nintendo Switch, so we thought: what better business move than to just continue putting games out for the console,” said EA CEO Andrew Wilson after announcing the decision. “After all, we had such success on the Wii U, where our games sold literally thousands of copies. We absolutely loved pouring millions of dollars into Need for Speed, the best version of that game released, to see it sell a staggering 8,000 copies for the console.”
“Our business is to please, of course,” said Chris Buzzo, chief marketing officer at the company. “The sole role to our existence is to satiate the desires of Nintendo fans. We get very, very sad when we see all those really mean comments on Facebook and Twitter. Sometimes all of us executives get together and cry a little bit at the abuse.”
Along with its announcement, EA announced that Battlefield 2 would be arriving on Switch next year as an exclusive, featuring an 8-player multiplayer mode for Nintendo fans to enjoy. Each copy of the game sold would arrive with a walkie-talkie so that players could still use voice chat if they do not have a phone of their own.
“We thought that given the literally thousands of units our games have sold across Nintendo platforms, why not make one of our biggest franchises a Nintendo exclusive?” explained Karl-Magnus Troedsson, the CEO of DICE. “We will release the game at peak quality, with stunning 480p visuals and 12 frame-per-second action gameplay. We will have awesome voice chat as well. We hope no Nintendo fans will get mad at us, so we’re bundling an incredible walkie-talkie with each copy of Battlefield 2 sold.”
We decided to ask Wilson what would happen if the company continues to lose money on its Nintendo releases, but the executive was not phased.
“We were voted the worst company of the year two times in a row. Everybody tells us we should kill ourselves,” said Wilson. “You know what, maybe we will. Maybe we will go bankrupt on our Nintendo ports. I bet it’ll make you feel really happy then, huh? Maybe we will go out of business, then you’ll feel like crap. Bet you wish you’d never said that!”
Wilson stormed off from our interview to see the newest build of Anthem on the Nintendo DS.
This article is a satire.