This is an important broadcast to all Nintendo Enthusiasts out there: Amiibo are no longer just nifty little DLC-giving figurines, they have mutated into a disease called Amiibola. Initially the symptoms were confused with our regular desire for new Nintendo-themed products – symptoms such as restlessness and a lack of focus on daily tasks. Within the past few months Amiibola has ramped up its intensity. Reports from gaming blogs of Amiibo being tied to in-game content that can’t be unlocked in any other ways are causing new symptoms such as individuals standing in lines in a Zombie-like state, and mass hysteria revolving around not getting the latest special edition Amiibo.
I ran a highly sophisticated simulation* to show where Amiibola will take us in the next few years. Frankly, the terrifying results speak for themselves. Just take a look…
Amiibo Mutates: First Case of Amiibola Diagnosed in Japan
First, we set it to start in Japan using current sales data, transmission statistics, and symptoms…
That’s about what I expected. It started pretty fast. Weird how it infected the US and Iceland first, but that seems true if I remember correctly…
Oh…my…word… It will be more infectious than Tuberculosis by Christmas! THIS YEAR!
By April 2018 there will be no holding back.
They shut down the airports a month after it had already spread to every country. We must begin shutting down airports now! Call your senators!
So the simulation finds that every single person on Earth will be infected with Amiibola by April 2018. The problem compounds from here, unfortunately. Guerrilla tactics are employed by various cults in the capture of the special edition Amiibo they worship. The global economy fails while world leaders pour all of their production into building more Amiibo to keep up with demand. Some governments attempt to ban Amiibo and begin digging mass landfills to bury them and the bodies, but at this point it is too late. The simulation predicts truly dark times ahead of us.
Nintendoom is Upon Us
Full on infection by August 2018. Amiibo have become so popular that people are waiting in the streets for Amiibos and dying of starvation and dehydration!!!! Madness, MADNESS!!!!
After the first month of total infection, Germany will be the first to fall to total anarchy. The autobahn will have been covered in Amiibo for months at this point making all traffic slow to a crawl.
By November 2018 the pile of Amiibo in every city have grown so high that they are falling over on humans and crushing them alive. Amiibo are destroying infrastructure, clogging rivers, and impeding clean air flow. The end is nigh. Nintendo, you did this to us!
Our end has already begun…
Leave Luck to Heaven
This is a calamity!!!! Good-bye sweet world. Amiibo have surely gone too far! We must do everything we can to stop this scourge now before it is too late! You only have 493 days according to this simulation! Act now and send all your Amiibo to SimplyTravis for proper storage to avoid further contamination!
*Big props to Ndemic and Plague Inc. for providing this excellent simulation software to help us determine the true severity of Amiibola.