This morning, April 1st, Nintendo announced a new way to communicate directly with their fans. With the success of Nintendo President’s “Iwata Asks” series, alongside the infamous “Nintendo Direct” series, this new direction has Satoru Iwata responding to questions directly via Twitter, Facebook, Skype and other various social media. Fans came in the thousands to pound the CEO with questions regarding Wii U, Bayonetta 2 and why Sonic sucks.

Iwata’s first response was to @EAFanboy69′s tweet asking “why hasnt nintendo got battlefield on wii u” where he responded:

“In order to publish games on Nintendo platforms, games must meet Nintendo’s quality assurance tests and is given Nintendo’s Seal of Quality. Battlefield 4 failed to meet these requirements as it would repeatedly crash upon starting and any life it did have was used trying to grab my wallet #lol #burned”

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Skyping with a fan who appeared to be in his basement with only a lonely GameCube to accompany him, this anonymous fan asked “Nintendo, your latest Fire Emblem game on 3DS, Fire Emblem: Awakening, was more a dating simulator than an RPG. This pleased me and many other tumblr users. Does Nintendo have any fully fledged dating simulators in the works for Wii U or 3DS?”

Iwata responded: “The romance simulator was inspired by Miyamoto’s recent trips to our old Love Hotel business, where he was inspired to create a game with more narrative and emotion. We tried to convey that first with a Star Fox game between Slippy and another anthropomorphic character, but we felt that the world wasn’t ready for same-sex anthropomorphic relationships. Maybe next time.”

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@CrashBandicoot4Smash asks “Is Mr. Sakurai putting Bayonetta in Super Smash Bros. Wii U/3DS? #Smash4Lyfe #AskIwata #WhensMarvel #NoJohns”

Iwata: I believe a request was put in, but under one condition, Mr. Kamiya himself would need to be included in the game too, in order to keep fans in place. We’re looking to approach Smash Brothers in a very different way this time, so we’re putting in everyone, and I mean, everyone. Nicolas Cage, Buzz Lightyear, Nelson Mandela, hell, even PaRappa the Rapper.

@Sony asks “After @Microsoft’s DRM disaster with the Xbox One last year, does @Nintendo have any plans to, you know, create an internet service to have DRM on? #LOL #AntonioBanderas”

Iwata responded: I’m not sure, Miiverse is doing really well for us, it’s fantastic to see so many gamers coming together and helping one another. But let me answer that with a question. Does Sony plan to, you know, create a handheld that doesn’t get beat into the ground? #WeGotPokemonAndMonsterHunter #JustYouWaitUntilWeCombineTheTwo

Finally, Iwata looked for questions to answer via their official Facebook page, where users were commenting:
“Nintendo sucks SMH”
“why dont u just release the n64 again”
“Can you put Kirby in MK8? please please please”
“Why does Sonic still suck?”
“Bayonetta 2 Wii U exclusive #WTF stealing our games!!”
“Nintendo is NintenDONE hahaha go play pokemon nintendrones”
“Wii U is selling like crap Sony won this generation Nintendo just get over it”
“you need to release games on iPhone you would make like a million dollars lmao”

It is here where President Iwata reportedly started breaking down in tears, gritting his teeth. He apparently mumbled, “It’s just impossible to know what these people want today. We used to tell them what they wanted, and they’d take it. Now they want the impossible; Pokémon MMOs, Flappy Birdo, Mario on Mobile. This is just not feasible.”

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The English translator told us that “Mr. Iwata just broke down, there was no consoling him, it was a very awkward situation to be in. We kept telling him, ‘Don’t worry about it sir, the 3DS is still steam rolling ahead of everyone else’ but he wouldn’t let up. We had to get in Cranky Kong to take over Nintendo’s Twitter account and then Reggie had to fill in with a immediate Nintendo Direct. There was almost nothing to announce, only showing old footage.”

I, for one, don’t think Nintendo will be continuing this “Ask Iwata” series. Maybe Iwata should keep being the one asking the questions rather than answering them.

Written by Menashe