A recently discovered journal found at Nintendo’s headquarters is home to a variety of never-before-seen “Iwata Asks” transcripts. As a journalist, I feel that it is my duty to inform the public about these revelations and explore the mind of Iwata in order to gain a deep insight into the workings of Nintendo. These undisclosed transcripts range from recent years all the way back to the 90s, Iwata laughing in every single one of them.
Today’s entry has Iwata talking to the showcase of 2013: Luigi himself. From new games to his own train, Luigi had it all and is perhaps the reason for Nintendo’s demise.
“Green With Envy”
Iwata: 3DS sales are down year after year, Wii U sales are an absolute joke, we’ve reported a $456 million loss, and the press are against us more than ever. We’ve announced Bayonetta 2*, Mario Kart 8**, Super Smash Bros. Wii U and 3DS***, Pokémon Omega Ruby and Pokémon Alpha Sapphire**** and a ton more games, yet we’re still doomed. We gave you your own games, both Wii U and 3DS, released special 3DS models after you, made you into a doctor, and even gave you your own special coin. What do you have to say for yourself?
*Also known in Japan as “Fanservice: The Sequel.”
**Also known in Japan as “If This Doesn’t Save the Wii U, Nothing Will.”
***Also known in Japan as “No, really, this is our last chance; otherwise, we’re stuffed.”
****Also known in Japan as “Surefire way to make billions.”
Luigi: Luigi number one!
Iwata: We gave you full control. You asked for it — for twenty-five years, you asked for it. “Let me be in the spotlight, Mario’s always getting first place,” so we gave you the power to change it. So what did you do? Your vain, narcissistic ego ended up making Luigi’s Mansion: Dark Moon, New Super Luigi U, Dr. Luigi* and Super Luigi Bros.
*If you’re approached by Dr. Luigi, please do not let him operate on you. He is not a trained physician.
Luigi: Waahhhh. Oh, well. Next time.
Iwata: I don’t think you understand, Mr. Green, there is no next time. You’re done, finished, game over. Your reign of terror even managed to get the investors to vote for me again as Nintendo CEO and you know how much they hate me. Do you think the late Mr. Yamauchi* would be impressed with your dismal performance? I know our name translates to “leave luck to heaven,” but you can’t literally just leave everything to Reggie. He spends most of his time on Twitter making memes about himself!
*Hiroshi Yamauchi was Nintendo’s third president, certified bad-ass, and absolutely bonkers.
Luigi: I do it!
Iwata: You do realise you hardly make any sense at all, right?
Luigi: Luigi time!
Iwata: Luigi time is up. We have almost 125 years of pride hanging in the balance, which is why we’ve started planning out the next few years in advance. It seems the spontaneous arrival of The Year of Luigi caused us to be thrown off a bit. Therefore we’ve laid out a ten year plan.
2014: The Year of Yoshi. Release Yoshi-Green Nintendo 3DS system and Yoshi-Green Nintendo Wii U system.
2015: The Year of Peach. Release Super Princess Peach HD, release the original on Wii U eShop.
2016: The Year of Wario. Change every sound effect in our Nintendo games to Wario’s laugh and Wario’s fart for an entire year.
2017: The Year of Pokémon. Just in case we need to make some money, maybe stick old games on iOS. Still a work in progress.
2018: The Year of Waluigi. Because for some reason, people won’t shut up about him. Seriously, what’s the appeal?
2019: The Year of Donkey Kong. We finally put Donkey Kong Country back up on the eShop.
2020: The Year of Everyone. New Smash Bros., Nintendo 3DS successor (Nintendo 4DS), and Nintendo Wii U successor (Wii U and Mii).
Hopefully, we won’t be out of business by then. Let it be known that second-rate characters should never be in charge of multi-billion companies, so I guess someone should go tell SEGA to cancel The Year of Sonic. Sorry, Luigi, it’s time for you to retire back to player two again. Your reign of terror needs to end. Maybe in another twenty-five years. The Year Of Luigi truly was a disaster.
Luigi: Thank you! Thank you so much!
Iwata: You really are harmless, aren’t you, Luigi? How can anyone hate you? [Laughs]
[End of transcript.]
This is just one of many unpublished interviews, so stay tuned for more revelations in the near future. Thank you for reading.