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[Please read the first Iwata [Laughs] if you missed it last week.]

A recently discovered journal found at Nintendo’s headquarters is home to a variety of never-before-seen Iwata Asks transcripts. As a journalist, I feel that it is my duty to inform the public about these revelations and explore the mind of Iwata in order to gain a deep insight into the workings of Nintendo. These undisclosed transcripts range from recent years all the way back to the 90s, Iwata laughing in every single one of them.

Today’s entry is discussion about SEGA’s latest title, Sonic Boom. Iwata interviews Sonic himself and they share their thoughts on the game, Sonic’s past and future, SEGA, and an interesting proposal.

“Sonic Doom”

Iwata: Thank you, Sonic, for this opportunity to sit down and talk with you. I would say I hope I’m not interrupting your busy schedule, but you’re not doing much these days now, are you? [Laughs]

Sonic: Thanks, Iwata, I’m glad I’m here to sit down and copy listen to your ideas.

Iwata: Let’s talk games. Sonic: Lost World* saw you running up walls, traversing spherical-shaped worlds like Mario did in Super Mario Galaxy. Six years too late my friend, you’re too slow! [Laughs] How does it feel to always be in Mario’s shadow?

*Sonic: Lost World was released last year on Nintendo Wii U and Nintendo 3DS. Its subtitle should have really been “Lost Sales” instead.

Sonic: That fat plumber can’t keep up with me. I even had to save his Italian butt in Super Smash Bros. Brawl. Without me, he’d still be a trophy in someone’s trophy case. But really, me and Mario are friends. We’ve had plenty of good times together.

Iwata: Well, at least someone wants to show him off. It seems these days SEGA is willing to farm you out to anyone. First, Wreck-It Ralph*, now a Sonic Boom TV series, and even toys. Staying relevant is hard work, isn’t it?

*Wreck-It Ralph was a Disney film with many video game references. Sonic made a brief appearance. Mario is said to appear as a prominent character in its sequel.

Sonic: Gamers don’t know what they want. As soon as they see me in a new game, they instantly think it’s going to be rubbish, dismiss it, and then it doesn’t sell, making me change every damn game. It’s hard to keep up with what people want. I don’t want to even think about the love triangle I was in a few years ago.

Iwata: Even your “friends” have gone through some redesigns. Knuckles looks like he’ll be banned from the Sochi Olympics*, Amy looks like she’s willing to do anything for a couple of gold rings, and Tails … well, Tails looks better than you, in all honesty.

*The Sochi Olympics are an event where people go to display their athletic talent. Most of Sonic’s friends wouldn’t be allowed to compete, due to some of Russia’s stances on things.

Sonic: At least I got this sweet scarf out of the design. They say it’s cool and hip and I’ll relate to our audience by wearing it.

Iwata: A scarf? Copying Nintendo again? When will SEGA stop! [Laughs]

legend-zelda-hyrule-warriors

Sonic: I … er … guess I wasn’t fast enough for that trend.

Iwata: And why are your legs so long? Is it because you’re a teenager now? Have you had the talk about the birds and the bees?

Sonic: What’s Charmy* got to do with all this? I ditched him and all his weird friends a few years back.

*Charmy Bee, a fictional anthropomorphic honeybee from the Sonic series that’s hopefully been long forgotten.

Iwata: What about the bandages? Do they conceal where they had to break your bones in order to make you longer? That’s just not human … or hedgehog. [Laughs] Moving on, SEGA seems to have dedicated 2014 as “The Year of Sonic.” I see they are continuing our tradition of dedicating years to second-rate video game characters. How does that make you feel?

Sonic: I’ve been around the block for over two decades now, so it’s nice to have recognition in a big way. SEGA are reinventing me so I’m excited, but the last time they did that, I ended up in Sonic ’06 and later turned into a Werehog, so it’s worrying, too. At least I’ve had more games than Luigi has, who’s been under Mario’s shadow for almost 30 years.

Iwata: You’ve also had your fair share of racing games, too. Any chance of you and our Mario crossing over into one big race so he can kick your blue butt there, too? In fact, why do you drive? Surely, running would be faster than everything else.

Sonic: I can’t really answer that. I guess it would be dangerous. I might get hurt.

Iwata: That’s the idea. [Laughs] You’re rumoured to have games on the Xbox One and PS4 next year. That’s quite a while away and no one seems to care. Also, your games seem to sell much better on Nintendo platforms, so why don’t you just jump ship to us? You can get rid of all your friends and bring whoever you want and we won’t force you to wear clothes or Knuckles to take performance-enhancing drugs.

Sonic: That would be a betrayal to all my fans. I couldn’t do that.

Iwata: Betrayal? Think back to the 90s — imagine who would believe you if you told them, one day, you’d be more successful on Nintendo platforms than you were on SEGA platforms.

Sonic: I guess …you’re right. The Dreamcast … so many memories.

Iwata: Even the developers of the game are saying your latest game has less focus on speed and more on combat. You are a shadow of your former self. Take a good hard look at your future, Sonic; it belongs with us.

Sonic: This proposal is very serious. I’ll need some time to think about it.

Iwata: Good. Miyamoto has some good ideas for you, especially regarding his upcoming “quality of life” games. I hope you like to stay fit! [Laughs]

[The result of this deal is to be revealed in Super Smash Bros. for Wii U and Super Smash Bros. for 3DS.]

[End of transcript.]

This is just one of many unpublished interviews, so stay tuned for more revelations in the coming months. Thank you for reading.

(If you’ve somehow made it here and still think this is serious, you deserve the same redesign as Sonic, scarf and bandages included.)

Written by Daniel Switzer

18 year old video game critic who occasionally attempts to be funny. It doesn’t always work. Contributor for multiple sites, special admiration for Nintendo games. Contact me via Twitter @daniel_switzer

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