Let it be known that Nintendo has released an army of plastic peripherals over the last three decades, ranging from accessories and wearable tech to enough Wii add-ons to supply an entire battalion. Whether it’s sporting equipment or musical instruments, we all own at least a couple of regrettable add-ons for our Wii. Personally, I blame Wii Sports, but that’s just me. The time has finally come for these compounds to be used for proper means. Time to dust off your tennis racquets, bowling balls, and light swords to see how this platoon of plastic might just one day save your life — or protect yourself against naysayers.

Here’s how to survive a zombie apocalypse with Nintendo’s peripherals.

1. Laserscope
Started From The Bottom Now We’re Here … Wait, No …

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What you’ll need: Konami Laserscope x1
What to do: Just stick it straight on your head.

Konami’s Laserscope was released as a head-mounted light gun used for Konami’s Laser Invasion. While initially intended only for Invasion, it can actually be used with any game that utilises the NES Zapper. It responded to the user’s voice commands, so when they shouted “Fire!”, it was supposed to fire. However, as you might have guessed, it didn’t work as well as intended and was quickly panned. What it is good for, though, is some protection for your good old cranium. While not completely covering the user’s head, it will certainly provide some good security for the brain, as well as one of your eyes, which also boosts your accuracy, as it’s actually a laser-guided crosshair.

2. Wii Balance Board
#YOPWTO #YouOnlyPlayedWithThisOnce
 Humor: How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse With Nintendo’s Peripherals

What you’ll need: Balance Board x2 (or x1 if you’re feeling lucky), some strong tape.
What to do: If you have both boards, tape them together to act as a makeshift Kevlar vest, using some more tape to secure the boards by wrapping it all around your torso. If you’ve only got one, secure the board to your front torso by wrapping the tape around yourself and the board like you’re returning an unwanted Christmas present.

It was once used to improve your life; now it’s going to save it. Balance Boards have been created using that ever-so special Nintendo material, Nintendium, and therefore, its only weakness is the Nokia 3310. So unless the naysayers are equipped with Nokia ammunition, this will provide you with some durable defence. It will weigh you down dramatically, so if you’ve planning a quick maneuver against these zombies, you’ll probably need to ditch one or not wear it at all. Get fit or die trying.

3. Power Glove
I Have The Poweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

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What you’ll need: Power Glove x1
What to do: Wear it on your right hand and feel the power of women being repulsed by you flowing through your veins.

I shouldn’t have to explain the Power Glove, but I will. It’s the epitome of cool; everyone will want one and it’s going to be the best thing to happen to video games. Well, that’s apparently what someone at Nintendo and Mattel thought — the rest of the world, however, did not. The accessory was made infamous by The Wizard, a 1989 film which was really a 96-minute advertisement for the Power Glove and Super Mario Bros. 3. While the movie wasn’t a hit, the Glove sure was one. With an NES controller strapped alongside it, as well as additional plastic located nearer the top, the Power Glove can pack a punch in hand to hand combat. Make sure you can use those fingers properly, though; they’ll come in handy later.

4. Wii Boxing Glove
You Had No Idea These Existed Did You?

 Humor: How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse With Nintendo’s Peripherals

What you’ll need: Wii Boxing Gloves x1
What to do: Depending on preference, wear one if you have the Power Glove on your right hand and wear both if you don’t. Wii Remote and Nunchuck preferable but not required.

As helpful as it is, the Power Glove can’t be used on both hands, so we have the modern equivalent. These boxing gloves are surprisingly comfy and can also hold a Wii Remote or Nunchuck, providing some extra damage. Additionally, you can use the Wii Remote or Nunchuck as, you know, a literal Nunchuck. Have you see what those things can do to TVs? Imagine what they could do to a zombie — or your grandma.

6. R.O.B
You spin me right round, baby right round like a Gyromite, baby Right round round round (That was terrible, I apologise in advance.)

ROB Humor: How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse With Nintendo’s Peripherals

What you’ll need: R.O.B x1
What to do: Feed him, gain his trust, and release him.

Created by Gunpei Yokoi, this Robotic Operating Buddy wouldn’t actually help you much, but it would look bad-ass. Maybe the sensors in his eyes could give a zombie an epileptic seizure or something. You could build up a miniature army and have them surround you as you lead them into battle with a hoard of the undead, providing some sort of advantage, but unfortunately, they’re not very common, so getting your hands on a few might be a rare chance.

6. And The Rest
You’re Gonna Need A Bigger Boat, Or Bag.

TheRest Humor: How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse With Nintendo’s Peripherals

What you’ll need: Whatever you can find.
What to do: Whatever you want.

It’s a zombie apocalypse — use whatever you have to in order to survive. Sporting equipment, tennis racquets, baseball bats, golf clubs, table tennis paddles, even bowling balls — all can be used to some extent in order to bring down the undead. Above, you can see various firearms, a crossbow, maracas, a Gene Simmons Axe Wireless Guitar, a Frisbee, trauma kit, and even a sword and shield. The best part is that this probably doesn’t even cover half of the junk that was released for the Wii in the last decade and even less representative of the add-ons that Nintendo consoles have gathered over the last couple of decades.

So, if you ever have someone mocking you for buying Nintendo consoles, you can chuckle quietly, knowing the fact that, in the event of a sudden zombie apocalypse, while they’re struggling to beat off monsters with their subpar PS3 controllers or throwing their Kinect at them, you’ll be safe and sound and guarded by mounds of plastic and Nintendium. And hey, if worse comes to worst, just invite the zombies to play Mario Party with you. If there’s anything that can get someone to kill another person, it’s Mario Party. 

I actually think this could be incorporated into a game, like a particular scene in Dead Rising. You could go through a gaming convention and all you have in order to defend yourself is Wii add-ons or perhaps a mini-game where you control your own Mii, who picks up various equipment as they go along. There you have it! I’m sure there’s plenty of plastic I missed, so feel free to leave your own suggestions in the comments. You never know: it might one day end up saving your life.

Written by Daniel Switzer

18 year old video game critic who occasionally attempts to be funny. It doesn’t always work. Contributor for multiple sites, special admiration for Nintendo games. Contact me via Twitter @daniel_switzer

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